So as part of my move to change my living I’ve begun to get up at 6:00 am throughout the week (Monday through Friday), and exercise. From what I gather humans were not made to get up that early, at least not with a 6 month old daughter. I count myself lucky though, she does sleep, for the most part, all night.
So this morning as I sat on the edge of my bed, there was an internal battle being waged in my brain. This is what I’ve dubbed as the two guys that dictate my life. One guy is very productive, positive and desires only to work hard. The other guy fights against everything that the first guy wants to do. Sadly, more often than not, in the morning guy number two wins.
It was around the time that I thought of myself as two separate people that I thought, “I think I have a problem.” I wasn’t thinking that I was schizophrenic, but I hadn’t struggled with my two selves all of my life. It really just began about a year ago. I lost many battles to the other guy over that year. Now I want to say that this isn’t a cop-out, I knew what I was doing when I was making these poor choices. It was pure laziness at times, under the guise of being an attentive husband. I shamefully used my wife’s pregnancy to excuse my decisions to handle business from a far. Things got done, but I was’t the man I was supposed to be.
I’m a minister, I believe wholeheartedly that God placed me here at this moment in my life to expand on me. To push me deeper into his overwhelming ocean of grace and love. I believe that he has a plan for my efforts in my area. But during this time, I was drawn down into a pit of darkness, where the only things accompanying me were my excuses for opportunities missed. Opportunities in church, opportunities in the community, opportunities with my family; all were missed because I lacked the desire to grab hold of my God and myself.
God has the power to lift me up, but he gave me the choice of grabbing on. Months were wasted, fruit shriveled around me, and it was all because I dared to think I could do this by myself. I didn’t reach for my wife, I didn’t reach to my leaders, but even more sad I didn’t reach to God. All of those people, had hands out and were ready to grab hold. But I stood firm on my sinking sand.
Two months ago, I lifted my heavy hand and fought hard to grab on to everyone and everything to pull myself up. I fought all along the way with that other guy. I sought treatment with a therapist and constantly poured love on my wife and daughter. I prayed. Not just a simple prayer, I poured myself out. As he filled me back up, I felt renewed,reborn even.
I was diagnosed with anxiety induced depression with high ADD tendencies. That was a shock. Not so much the depression thing, well that sorta was, but I assumed that was there. The shock was that it was induced by anxiety. I had this thought that I was good at handling stress. Well after a few visits with my therapist, t seems as though I was wrong.
The blessing is that we are seeking the non medicated path, with the exception of Vitamin D supplements. Another blessing is the fact that I have an amazing wife who cares for me, family who love me and a God who lifts me up on the week days.
the abecedarian man 